How should I feel?

I realize my last few posts have been solely about my romantic affairs with various people. I tend to post when something plagues my mind for so long that only writing about will help me organize my thoughts. So of course, it makes sense that most of my posts are about my love affairs. If you haven’t been keeping up, I’m clearly bad at relationships. I’m so bad that I don’t know if I should be mad or sad or happy about my current predicament. I realize I have very few readers, but people help me figure out how I should be feeling. Do have the right to be angry about the this man’s use of my body for sex? Should I feel sad because he dumped me for some bitch I will never see or hopefully meet? At the same time should I be sorry for myself and her for meeting such a person? Is our life pitiful? All the while, I feel one predominant emotion. The same feeling that dictates any unhealthy or healthy mutual relationship. The one many seek to decipher and control. Love.

Like my last post, this one will be about love. Before we move on to my emotional turmoil, let me recount my past hurdles. If I remember correctly, I talked about Eros the bittersweet as an abstract concept. Well, it also translates to a very literal concept. I loved him to give him everything. My virginity. My love. My time. My thoughts. I spent money on clothes he would appreciate and lied to my parents to an extent that I should probably be condemned to hell.  It’s no surprise really. I thought he loved me too. I was so very wrong. We maintained a long distance relationship that mostly consisted of sex, but with an understanding that he and I were free to pursue other physical relationships. Simply put, we were sex friends. I honestly can’t remember the last time I went on a date with him. He’s broke. A pothead. So, perhaps he isn’t broke. Either way, I fell. Don’t ask me why. I trusted him too much. We had history though and he was gentle in the beginning. He thought I was funny, but I knew he was funnier. Our physical relationship was with the understanding that he would tell me when he found someone else and vise versa. Thanksgiving 2015.

It came. The beginnings of our broken relationship. He never told me back then that he found someone new. He just treated me like usual until he stopped. Days went by before I realized he was not going to respond. I admit I broke the first rule of sex friends. I fell in love, but he broke the second rule. He cut me off for no reason. We were after-all friends. Is there no basic respect for another’s feelings anymore?

I asked why. He still gave no direct answer and simply said he needed time. I accepted it then. He had found someone else. Furthermore, I accepted the reality of sex friends. We had no future. My acceptance did not mean I had managed to forget or erase my feelings. They were still there as they are now, haunting me from within. Almost a week went by before he asked me if I was okay and whether we could meet up. Back then, I was resolved. I was focused on my finals and determined to leave him behind so I postponed it. Notice how I did not cancel it.

We met on December 20 and then December 27th. Both times we met at his house, but the first time he saw me cry. He told me he thought he didn’t like me as much any more so he cut me off, but now he realized that wasn’t the case. It was troublesome to say the least. We were close or at least I thought we were. In the week following up to the second meeting, I vowed to never be with him and to avoid him. Obviously I gave in. I snapchatted him and he asked me to come over yet again. For the very same reason. Sex.

I was heading towards becoming his sexual object. His past time. Not his lover. I left that day crying, but he never saw that. Yet again, I vowed. All the while, I wanted sex. So I asked him. The second to last time we met was January 7th, 2016. He was mean, in the beginning. It didn’t take him long to realize I had come purely for sex and so he softened up and went back to our usual dynamic. He asked me in his stupid fuck boy voice what I would do if he asked me to marry him. He also took my anal virginity. All in a day’s work. He won my heart and body.

Now, for the last time we met. January 9th, 2016. Two days ago. As I write this post today, I await any response from him to prove me wrong. To tell me he loves me. The way I love him, but I may have unintentionally broken any possibility of that. The last time we had sex, it was at my house. We made passionate love and  parted happily. Or so I thought. I keep a spare condom in my room. He asked me if we could use it, but I smiled and said no. He was surprised and asked if it was still there. I never replied and he stated that he would take that as a no. I didn’t correct him. Partly because I wanted to see his reaction and partly as pay back. Now I regret it. I officially feel like a fuck toy. His toy. His bitch.

I haven’t heard from him since. He left for college today and I removed him from snapchat so I don’t know how he is doing. All I feel is what I have left of him. It’s hard to move past the love and see how he has corrupted my mind and body. I honestly want to know though. Does he love me even a little? Is this all in my head? Do we have a communication problem that needs to be addresses. Reader or future me, please address this. Tell me, how should I feel?

Sincerewishes

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Eros the Bittersweet

Eros the Bittersweet, another essay for my Hinduism class, is a fitting title for this post. In the past few years, I have come to realize how painful, toiling, and rewarding love can be. The Greeks came to this assumption too apparently. Anne Carson’s commentary on the depiction of love in Greek mythology moves me beyond words. It’s relevance in my life and in others reminds me that love is a human emotion. Perhaps, it’s been overplayed and dramatized, but it’s still a moving breath of life in our hearts.

To move on to my current predicament means to address some of my previous ambiguities. After an impulsive and sudden decision, to break up with my boyfriend, I found myself seeking the attention of another man. He sought me out and convinced me of my inner desires. After a brief fruitless stint with him, we moved on as friends, forgetting the fact that we began as friends. We realized that the beauty that attracted us to each other was the beauty that was within ourselves. It was another impulsive decision that lead me to hook up with him right before I headed in a vacation in a foreign country. Perhaps it was the mysteries of sex or the already blooming romance that led us to maintain a month long relationship across borders and seas. After my return, we enjoyed a course of a month making love to an insane amount. We both realized that we would be moving to another part of our lives with the arrival of college, but we split. I believe we were attached to each other to part so soon. He visited me on every break he got and we both awaited for the moment we could be reunited. Or at least I did.

Any great love story deserves a happy ending. Perhaps ours we too strange and ill-natured to begin with. We had an ending, but not a happy one. As Thansksgiving Break approached, I noticed a gradual cession of responses from him. No more Snapchats. No texts. We had stopped calling long ago. I expected it and part of me welcomed the lack of interaction. He envisioned a college life brimming with booze, women, and drugs. I didn’t, but  I accepted our differences early on. I was willing to give him the happiness simply out of my desire to make him happy. My foolish heart should’ve foresaw the eventual decline of our relationship. He came back during Thanksgiving Break, but he never came to visit me. This would’ve been fine. Except he told me he would. I grew dark and angry. Confrontation was inevitable in order for me be at peace with myself. I asked him via text why he had lead me on so. All I received was a simple response. “Idk”

These words ushered a newer point in our relationship that still remain unresolved.  We haven’t spoken since. HE is back in town and we agreed to talk it out, but I think we are headed for a clear collision.

My love, you are causing me great conflict. You cleave a great rift down my heart. Do you love me? I hope so. I love you still. Yet, I can no longer go back to the us of the day. You have broken a trust and evoked a nature of love that pierces me deep. You are causing me eros, the bittersweet.

Sincerewishes

 

When I was your woman

Before I delve any further into this topic, let me just point out that I have no intention of having a serious relationship or starting one at the moment. I have a hard time reconciling my past loves and my current love affairs. I never thought I would be the one to leave a relationship, especially cheat. I suppose it is an inevitable end for anyone who tries a long term relationship. I never thought about it too much, but what if I had stayed with him then. What if I didn’t take his feelings for granted. I wonder if we would still be together. Then again, if I didn’t I would’ve missed out on several of the opportunities  I had with Michael. I had an amazing summer filled with sex and love. But what if, I’m missing something more important now because of my decision to love someone else. Did I just lose the father to my children? The husband that I’ve always wanted? The man that would always love me?

Maybe I’m just having a hard time getting over him. I’m not sure. Everyday he seeks out a different girl, hoping to find a soul mate. Is that weird? Or am I weird because I’m still hoping he will wait for me. That’s unfair and selfish. Maybe it’s best that I stay away for awhile. Some part of me still belongs to him. If he ever reads this, then he’ll know that I do have feelings for him.

It occurs to me that I’ve forgotten some of my fundamental values about love. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up. I should’ve preserved till the end. I should’ve stuck with him despite the temptations. Alas, nothing can be done except let him go.

Sincerewishes

College Life (A Freshman Summary)

It’s been a few months since the last post. I want to feel like I’ve been writing more lately, but I haven’t. The truth of the matter is that I am undergoing a transition phase of my life. College. Let’s take a look at those glorified memories people have of college days. Ramen. Alcohol. Parties. Studying. New city. New dorms. New people. Freedom. Liberation. The basics only go on and on. But I don’t really have all that. I feel pretty isolated right now. I live at home with my parents which has it’s own pros and cons but while I live here I don’t go to the social events on campus or the exciting football games (that was always lose). I haven’t made many friends and I spend alot of  time by myself. None of this is helping my mood because my baby is at UTK. I feel really insecure and cast off. He’s having a good time and I’m over here feeling less like myself everyday. I wish I could speak my mind and ask my parents if I can stay on campus next semester, but I’ worried about the financial burdens that would cause. I am a social creature by nature so I will need to find a solution to this soon or I may end up hurting myself even more.

Ever so lonely,

Sincerewishes

I’m back

It’s been more than a few weeks since I’ve blogged. I suppose now would be a good time to reflect on senior year as a whole. It’s been a whole year since I started this blog and now I’m entering a new phase of my life. College awaits me in August, but before I get  into that let me talk about me now. Since breaking up with dream boy, I’ve significantly moved on. I admit for a while I was a sore loser and I couldn’t forget him. I ended up asking to take me back recently (two days ago). However, I think it may have been a impulsive decision on my part and I may have led dream boy to false hopes. The new man and I have grown very attached to each other. We were exclusive for a good few weeks and I’ve never had so much fun with a guy in my life. He’s the first steps of my taking my life into my own hands. At the same time, I’ve betrayed many people’s trust including my parents, sister, and friends. I’ve lied to where I am, which I deeply regret. I’ve chosen to break up with new man as we’ve grown further from each other and as we’ve gotten bored with each others company. I was really hurt that I didn’t put more to make the relationship work though I knew the reason we broke up so simple. I ended up confessing how I felt indirectly and we still talk. Now, technically, we’ve also gone on dates since then and I’ve made an effort to try and get along with him. I’m doubt this is because I have feelings for him. I think it has to do with the fact and he’s something I’ve grown used to and having him as a friend is also great. New man probably doesn’t see it that way though.Honestly, I’m going out with him today while dream boy texts me about getting back together. I’m not feeling particularly inclined towards either, but the joy of being out by myself pulls me to new man. Well, that’s a dose of my love life. I’m at work now, but I will post up emails I sent to a friend of mine.

Sincerewishes

Break Ups

Yes, it finally happened. I broke up with dream boy. It was last Friday, March 20, 2015. It wasn’t sudden. This was the second time I tried to break up with him in the month. He saw it coming, too. Our relationship was going very well. I cheated on him though. My feelings are very confusing and I’ve met someone else who I spend lots of time with now. My feelings for the new man as we shall call him are no where near deep or vast as they were for dream boy. However, I am definitely attracted to him.   He asked me to prom and I decided to say yes. We have similar goals and views on relationships, too ( at least short term goals). I don’t plan on getting serious and he isn’t either, but he probably has feelings for me. I do love dream boy still. He is my first love and stole my first kiss. I want to continue to be with him, but I also want to explore other people and options. In the process, I may hurt him. Thus, I’ve decided to end this relationship even if it means it hurts me. We are both still very young and I still believe he may find someone better than. It makes me a little sad to say this, but I really hope we get back together when I’ve figured myself out and want to pursue a serious relationship. I want dream boy to read this one day and understand why I made this decision. I love you, pumpkin.

Sincerewishes

Caged

I know many of us are in relationships or have experience in them. I am very young, but I too have thoughts to share about this topic. It’s been nearly seen months since I started this relationship with the person I will call dream boy. He is the ideal boyfriend for a typical Indian girl such as myself. The ship has been smooth sailing and we’ve made considerable progress physically, as well. The unique thing about relationships is that you learn more about yourself than you realized. The first step in almost every relationship is asking those “what is your favorite…” questions. I’ve never been very good at describing myself as a person, and being with someone has greatly changed my ways of interacting with people. At the same time, I’ve discovered that being with a partner jeopardized many things about your personal life and especially your independence. I am a loner by nature. I dislike staying with the same people and group for too long. This is part of the reason why I hate to label people as my best friends and boyfriends. Some people would label me as poly-amorous or pan-sexual, but I find labels tedious. I have more to say about this topic, but let’s get back to the main point. I feel caged while I am this relationship. However, it has nothing to do with my partner.  I am simply a bird. Things interest me for awhile. This is hard to understand and even harder to convey. I hope I can hold my feelings in check.

Sincerewishes

Happy New Year

Hello 2015!

It’s January 1st, 2015. My first post of the year. It very exciting that I’ve changed so much. If you’ve ever read my college essays, you would know how much I’ve changed. Back in India, I had smaller worries, but that’s because I had a smaller world. Now 2014 has passed. I’m looking towards college regardless of where I go. Looking back at 2014, I want to list some things I’m grateful for and have happened. The order does not designate their ranking.

1. AMIA – the convention of my life. I finally found a field I am truly interested in. It’s great that I can prosper in it. The trip to D.C. itself was a breath of fresh air. I felt freedom which I may not feel at all for a long time if I decide to stay in TN.

2. My parents and family- I’m glad everyone is well and happy. I’ve become more aware of their feeling and I think I’ve gotten better at expressing mine.

3.My boyfriend- Speaking of feelings, I’m glad I’ve found myself a lover. Not just a random one though. I’ve never really believed in love as many of you know, but after meeting him, I can say that I can see it’s possible. I think I love him. I probably do even if we’ve only been dating for five months. Today is actually the 130th day since we’ve been dating. I’ll talk more about him and love in later posts.

4. My sexuality- I’ve always assumed that I am straight, but I occurs to me now that this may not be true. It’s surprising since I have a boyfriend now. I’m probably bi or pan. Not sure which. Either way, I can see myself in a sexual relationship with a woman and quite frankly trans people too. I don’t believe in labels so I won’t give a specific one. Let’s just say I love all.

5. Friends- Senior year just by itself has brought me closer to my friends. That’s probably how I managed to get a boyfriend this year, not to mention multiple admirers. I’ve gained confidence overall. Another one of my college essays call me an,”American Bred Confident Desi.” I’m probably right.

6. Writing – This year or rather last year I made multiple blogs. I might as well list a few for future reference. I have a Tumblr blog (That I don’t use much anymore). This blog and a We Heart It blog for scarier things. In addition, I’m thinking of continuing writing as I mentioned in a previous post. I may write some fan fiction here and some on an actual site. I need to improve. I know I’ll be writing a novel or book of some sort. Not sure which yet. Either I plan to practice.

7,8,9,10. I don’t have much else to say. This post is long enough as it is. My fingers are cramping. I’ll post again soon. Hope to see you (hah I know no one is reading these) all again!

Sincerewishes

Long time no see

Hello!

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted. Writing has left my mind, but after reading lots of smut filled fan fiction I have decided to return to it. The more important reason I have returned is because I have realized something. The past few years of my life I’ve been progressively getting weaker. I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally. Last year, I gained more confidence and I felt that towards the beginning of this year I’ve become more social. However, my stamina, and perseverance has decreased. I cry at every little thing. This is not the person I want to be. My grades have been slipping and all I can do about it weep. Not to mention, I’ve become caught up in a whirl of procrastination. I think I finally hit the line after a loved and respected mentor of mine emailed me advising me about my email etiquette. Initially, I was shocked by his audacity rather than hurt by his words. Then, my parents began advising me about. It finally started to sink in and I think I regret that fact that I cried over that email. He’s my mentor and he only wants the best for me so that email was not meant to make me cry. It was meant to teach me a lesson. I think I’ve learned my lesson. I want to get better. I don’t like feeling stupid or lazy. I hate waking up at 12 am every single day. I hate this. So, I’ve decided to move on. I’ve decided to get some work done, to do do something worth something. Here I am making my promise to myself a pact. I know I will be deterred and crippled along the way. It is something that always happens.But I want to try. My mentor always said “It’s tough the first time. But then it gets harder. Just remember it will eventually get easier.” Just so you know the words in quotes are not actually what he said. But I think that’s what he said. So here I go. Here I try again.

Sincerewishes