1/5/19

I guess I really only write near new years, huh? I find it harder to write on here than in my notebooks for some reason. I do like the idea of immortalizing my thoughts through this site though.

2019 was a heavy year. It was a year of change. I started my first industry internship in Jan. I graduated in May. I broke up with Dream Boy in May. I  started my first full time job in August. I started another relationship in July. I applied for graduate school in November. I ended my new relationship in December. I would like to remember the exact dates for the sake of time, but what really does it matter. All I know that progress was made. All the change was likely good for me. I experienced adulthood in a short span of time. I experienced heartbreak at the same time.

I’ve been doing alot of planning for this year. If last year was the year of change, then this year is the year of growth. 2020 is the year of environmental changes. I hope to bring a greater impact to that by starting recycling initiatives within my home. I also want to build up myself and my career. I’m learning to spend more time learning; the value of education has finally dawned on me in my early 20s. I’m also taking time away from relationships. This one will be a tough one. I’m still in love with Dream Boy. Unfortunate, I know, but I really jumped the gun with the rebound. I don’t think I can see him as a friend right now so I’m going to focus on distance once again. Most importantly, 2020 will be the year I move out. I don’t care if I end up broke and poor. I will move away and find new purpose. I need the change. The breath of air. I need to break free of this cage. I want to know what is out there and who am I am. I can’t breath here anymore. I will have more news on this front in the next 3 months. Fingers crossed. Hope for the best.

Sincerewishes

Dear Dream Boy

Dear Dream Boy,

This is my letter to you about how I’m doing. It’s been 2 days since we last talked. Or should I say texted. The past 2 days might be the worst days of my life. Simply put, I’ve never been more miserable. I have alot of thoughts coming out of this period. I know I will never be able to tell you what they are. So, I’m writing you this hypothetical letter so I may express my feelings plainly.

First, let me say this is the worst breakup of my life. I knew it would be awful. It always is, but I was not expecting the physical and emotional pain that it brought. I looked it up  (I know I always look up silly things) and apparently heart break fires the same neural signals as literal heart attacks. And while you may be thinking that this sounds like a placebo, it’s not. I’ve experienced chest pain repeatedly and even had difficulty breathing.  Have you ever felt all the blood in your face drain? I have. I guess there is a stress factor involved. After all, I am having mental breakdowns every hour or so. Who knew a breakup wound take so much life out of you? I was the world’s happiest girl 2 days ago. And then, I made a phone call, poured my heart out in texts, and cried myself to sleep.

Even when we agreed to this, I didn’t understand what I was saying. Or maybe I didn’t understand what you were saying. I was so sure we would get back together the next day that I didn’t even recognize the signals. You had been thinking about it for a long time. You could not make the same decision I did to make it work. You didn’t know how long the distance would last. The evidence was there. You called it a break initially. I asked for a time frame. You said that didn’t help. Then, it was a breakup where we can get back together whenever we want. I’m such a fool. I couldn’t even tell when you were letting me down gently. When you were breaking up with your girlfriend of 4 (~5) years without making her feel terrible. Without telling her you fell out of love and no longer saw the point in the relationship. I’m bitter. I know. But I can’t help but resent that. I always wondered how you would break up with someone. I bet she also thought you guys would get back together. But babe, I know you’re too gentle a soul to tell someone right out why you can’t be with them.

Sometimes, I wish you had been a bad boyfriend. This breakup would be easier on me then. I could move on by learning that we were a mistake. We both know that we weren’t a mistake. We had something that no one else had and something that we may never have. It would’ve prospered and bloomed into the greatest love story. If we saw each other. I know you don’t hate me now. I know we were perfect for each other. We would’ve had a great marriage. I know the reasons had nothing to do with us and everything to do with our circumstance. I don’t know of a couple with more difficulties. An unusual age gap. Parental resistance. Transitions from high school and college. It was hard. I guess until 2 days ago you saw every reason to stay together. I did too. And I did too up until the moment you wanted to breakup. That’s the awful thing about this. Even if you wanted to get back together tomorrow, I’m not sure I could. I’m not sure I could root for us knowing you might give up on us again.

No surprise, blocked you social media. I’m scared about what this means. I’m filled with confusion and anxiety. I need time to heal. I need time to know that I am not a cripple without you in my life. I need time to move on. The next few days I hope to god you don’t hear from me. Someday, I want to show you what you missed out on, babe. What you chose to give up. I hope you have a great life, and I want nothing but the very best for you. But I hope you regret this. I hope to god you realize what that cost you and how you will never get that back. I will get better. I will stand strong. And I will be great.

Sincerewishes

It’s been 4 years

Today is the first day of my last semester in college. I’m feeling quite nostalgic so I’m writing once again. The past 4 years have been difficult and I won’t lie about it. From the very beginning this journey was marked as a hard choice. My first day I walked around without a place, just observing. I suppose I was blessed by the presence of a few high school friends. I even met some of my best friends of all time that day – L and C. I hadn’t considered this before, but I’m blessed to have met with such great people so early on and to have matched quite so well with them. That same day or perhaps that weekend, I also cried with anxiety and loneliness because I did not have a place like everyone else – you see, I had made the noble choice to live at home during college. I had no house and no sense of camaraderie. I suppose I should feel grateful to have been placed as a honorary member in my faculty advisory’s house.  I was even given a chance to walk with the others  and even eat with everyone during dinner. It was a pleasant evening that I look back on fondly even if it was tainted by the bitterness of having to leave early and change my inappropriate clothing to avoid conflict. In the following semester, I did not truly feel the impact of being an outcast because of my outgoing attitude. I attended the Diwali events, made sure to attend group activities, and made friends with outcasts – although they were temporary. I’m thankful for those people- they shielded me from a full force of loneliness and pain. I guess the sting remained, however, through all these years because even now 4 years later (3.5 to be precise) I still know the sting. Luckily, it took people a long time to find their niche and it took be just as long to realize I was not at a complete loss. I had friends if no real friend group. I was often alone these years which created a dark atmosphere for my mind at times and even pressed in some unfortunate addictions. I’ve taken greater cares since. I’ve had many lows as a result of this – 3 failures and a semester of probation. Very surprising if you didn’t know me. It’m grateful that everyone who knows these facts has chosen to ignore them rather than let them color their disposition of me. The fact remains that this college did a number on me. I’m not sure yet if for the better. Perhaps, the younger me was naive and used to getting things handed to her easily. I will admit I have learned many lessons from a failures. I hope I will not make the mistakes of my past again. There was definitely a turning point in my college years. Or at least a point when I took a brighter look. The fall of my junior year I failed 2 classes, but I also made a lifelong friend. Someone who brightened my day incredibly since the day I took the initiative to talk to her. That fast friendship held me through my plight and brought me to greater heights. I can never express my gratitude to her enough. She’s simple a hero in all accounts. A woman who hold my highest esteem and matches my wit, intelligence, humor, and even my fears. I pray that this friendship last forever and it will. She’s also taught me more than any class ever has. She’s not likely to know it, but I’m certain I would have dropped dead in a ditch if she was not there. Furthermore, she is my closest friend. I will digress on my praise of her to continue my story. Since then, I’ve taken greater authority and even moved to leaving my comfort zones again. I’ve taken initiative in greater things beyond my education. I’m striving for better mental health and working on my relationships. My relationship with Dream Boy continues to this day and his presence is something I’m grateful to have. I’m also blessed to have impacted the lives of other through my campus initiatives. All the friends I’ve made, the people I’ve met, the lessons I’ve learned…I guess this place wasn’t such a hellhole after all. 4 years…went by in such a flash. Now, i have 3 months left. 3 months to make the most of this institution. I hope that my progress continues going forward. I’m going to try very hard. This isn’t the end of me. If you thought it was, you were wrong. I’m back and better than ever!

Sincerewishes

The Drunk Man’s Words

I never thought I would come back here again
Listening to the words of the devil was a sin
And I was an angel so it never should’ve been
He was the liar, the snake, the ensnared rabbit could never win
But God’s grace had left me
I felt deceived
There was no place to turn to
The sweet nectar of what was or had been
I needed to hear a drunk man’s words once
To Validate my existence because he knew me best
To feel the wisdom and be tricked
And play the begger or the blind man’s kid
I never felt anything could feel greater
Than hearing your best thoughts in
the drunk man’s gin.

My analysis of my relationship with Dream Boy

We’ve been dating for over a year (started officially back when Dream Boy  so Feb of 2016- so it will be 2 years in Feb)

Back then I was a freshman in college and he was in high school

I will admit here that I cheated on him twice during that summer – once with Michael and once with Alfred

It was a pretty early stage in our relationship and I don’t think I took it very seriously

I actually cheated on him again in August 2017

Wow I’m an asshole

Things were good back then though

I’m not sure why I did it

I still kept touch with Michael too even though Dream Boy would not have approved of that

And I met him over winter break twice

Dream Boy as far as I know has never cheated on me

Our relationship is the quite the same as it was before (not necessarily weaker but he doesn’t talk to me much)

Maybe he is busier, maybe he’s bored with me, maybe he’s waiting for me to break up with him (again…like the 4th or 5th time I think)

Dream Boy also was the one who broke it off with Anju so I don’t think he’s the type to not speak up when he’s in a relationship with someone he isn’t interested in

Maybe he has cheated on me (maybe intentionally or otherwise) and just like me he regrets it and wants to continue our relationship

Or maybe he’s hoping that slowly distancing himself I won’t hurt as much when he breaks up with me?

So, I’ve decided not to break up with him because I’m kind of the asshole here

If he does cheat on me, I’m willing to give him another chance if he also hears me out

If he wants to break up, meaning he doesn’t love me anymore, then that’s fine I’ll suck it up and move on eventually

Wow I’m really an asshole

Now, am i being obsessive and jealous? Maybe

Probably

He’s always been a really good guy

Nowadays he’s a bit more immature but I think time will fix that on its own

I think we need to focus on communication though or at least he does because I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who forgets I exist when he’s in college and only wants me when he’s here

This was a good way to organize my thoughts and I think I’ll use it again in the future

Conclusion: I’ve decided not to focus too much on Dream Boy (or at least I’ll try). I won’t be needlessly jealous because tbh I’ve done alot worse and he’s too good for stuff like that (mostly)

I need to keep in mind that he is changing alot right now and he might be what I need and want (although he appears no different physically). I need to distance myself from my feelings of jealousy and live as the person I am. That is very important for my self esteem. I’m also going to talk to Dream Boy later tonight about communicating – because he is horrible at it….communication is key in every relationship and I think if he can’t do that much, then maybe he really isn’t what I’m looking for. I think I should give it a trial period until Feb 28th to make any major decisions.

 

How should I feel?

I realize my last few posts have been solely about my romantic affairs with various people. I tend to post when something plagues my mind for so long that only writing about will help me organize my thoughts. So of course, it makes sense that most of my posts are about my love affairs. If you haven’t been keeping up, I’m clearly bad at relationships. I’m so bad that I don’t know if I should be mad or sad or happy about my current predicament. I realize I have very few readers, but people help me figure out how I should be feeling. Do have the right to be angry about the this man’s use of my body for sex? Should I feel sad because he dumped me for some bitch I will never see or hopefully meet? At the same time should I be sorry for myself and her for meeting such a person? Is our life pitiful? All the while, I feel one predominant emotion. The same feeling that dictates any unhealthy or healthy mutual relationship. The one many seek to decipher and control. Love.

Like my last post, this one will be about love. Before we move on to my emotional turmoil, let me recount my past hurdles. If I remember correctly, I talked about Eros the bittersweet as an abstract concept. Well, it also translates to a very literal concept. I loved him to give him everything. My virginity. My love. My time. My thoughts. I spent money on clothes he would appreciate and lied to my parents to an extent that I should probably be condemned to hell.  It’s no surprise really. I thought he loved me too. I was so very wrong. We maintained a long distance relationship that mostly consisted of sex, but with an understanding that he and I were free to pursue other physical relationships. Simply put, we were sex friends. I honestly can’t remember the last time I went on a date with him. He’s broke. A pothead. So, perhaps he isn’t broke. Either way, I fell. Don’t ask me why. I trusted him too much. We had history though and he was gentle in the beginning. He thought I was funny, but I knew he was funnier. Our physical relationship was with the understanding that he would tell me when he found someone else and vise versa. Thanksgiving 2015.

It came. The beginnings of our broken relationship. He never told me back then that he found someone new. He just treated me like usual until he stopped. Days went by before I realized he was not going to respond. I admit I broke the first rule of sex friends. I fell in love, but he broke the second rule. He cut me off for no reason. We were after-all friends. Is there no basic respect for another’s feelings anymore?

I asked why. He still gave no direct answer and simply said he needed time. I accepted it then. He had found someone else. Furthermore, I accepted the reality of sex friends. We had no future. My acceptance did not mean I had managed to forget or erase my feelings. They were still there as they are now, haunting me from within. Almost a week went by before he asked me if I was okay and whether we could meet up. Back then, I was resolved. I was focused on my finals and determined to leave him behind so I postponed it. Notice how I did not cancel it.

We met on December 20 and then December 27th. Both times we met at his house, but the first time he saw me cry. He told me he thought he didn’t like me as much any more so he cut me off, but now he realized that wasn’t the case. It was troublesome to say the least. We were close or at least I thought we were. In the week following up to the second meeting, I vowed to never be with him and to avoid him. Obviously I gave in. I snapchatted him and he asked me to come over yet again. For the very same reason. Sex.

I was heading towards becoming his sexual object. His past time. Not his lover. I left that day crying, but he never saw that. Yet again, I vowed. All the while, I wanted sex. So I asked him. The second to last time we met was January 7th, 2016. He was mean, in the beginning. It didn’t take him long to realize I had come purely for sex and so he softened up and went back to our usual dynamic. He asked me in his stupid fuck boy voice what I would do if he asked me to marry him. He also took my anal virginity. All in a day’s work. He won my heart and body.

Now, for the last time we met. January 9th, 2016. Two days ago. As I write this post today, I await any response from him to prove me wrong. To tell me he loves me. The way I love him, but I may have unintentionally broken any possibility of that. The last time we had sex, it was at my house. We made passionate love and  parted happily. Or so I thought. I keep a spare condom in my room. He asked me if we could use it, but I smiled and said no. He was surprised and asked if it was still there. I never replied and he stated that he would take that as a no. I didn’t correct him. Partly because I wanted to see his reaction and partly as pay back. Now I regret it. I officially feel like a fuck toy. His toy. His bitch.

I haven’t heard from him since. He left for college today and I removed him from snapchat so I don’t know how he is doing. All I feel is what I have left of him. It’s hard to move past the love and see how he has corrupted my mind and body. I honestly want to know though. Does he love me even a little? Is this all in my head? Do we have a communication problem that needs to be addresses. Reader or future me, please address this. Tell me, how should I feel?

Sincerewishes

Eros the Bittersweet

Eros the Bittersweet, another essay for my Hinduism class, is a fitting title for this post. In the past few years, I have come to realize how painful, toiling, and rewarding love can be. The Greeks came to this assumption too apparently. Anne Carson’s commentary on the depiction of love in Greek mythology moves me beyond words. It’s relevance in my life and in others reminds me that love is a human emotion. Perhaps, it’s been overplayed and dramatized, but it’s still a moving breath of life in our hearts.

To move on to my current predicament means to address some of my previous ambiguities. After an impulsive and sudden decision, to break up with my boyfriend, I found myself seeking the attention of another man. He sought me out and convinced me of my inner desires. After a brief fruitless stint with him, we moved on as friends, forgetting the fact that we began as friends. We realized that the beauty that attracted us to each other was the beauty that was within ourselves. It was another impulsive decision that lead me to hook up with him right before I headed in a vacation in a foreign country. Perhaps it was the mysteries of sex or the already blooming romance that led us to maintain a month long relationship across borders and seas. After my return, we enjoyed a course of a month making love to an insane amount. We both realized that we would be moving to another part of our lives with the arrival of college, but we split. I believe we were attached to each other to part so soon. He visited me on every break he got and we both awaited for the moment we could be reunited. Or at least I did.

Any great love story deserves a happy ending. Perhaps ours we too strange and ill-natured to begin with. We had an ending, but not a happy one. As Thansksgiving Break approached, I noticed a gradual cession of responses from him. No more Snapchats. No texts. We had stopped calling long ago. I expected it and part of me welcomed the lack of interaction. He envisioned a college life brimming with booze, women, and drugs. I didn’t, but  I accepted our differences early on. I was willing to give him the happiness simply out of my desire to make him happy. My foolish heart should’ve foresaw the eventual decline of our relationship. He came back during Thanksgiving Break, but he never came to visit me. This would’ve been fine. Except he told me he would. I grew dark and angry. Confrontation was inevitable in order for me be at peace with myself. I asked him via text why he had lead me on so. All I received was a simple response. “Idk”

These words ushered a newer point in our relationship that still remain unresolved.  We haven’t spoken since. HE is back in town and we agreed to talk it out, but I think we are headed for a clear collision.

My love, you are causing me great conflict. You cleave a great rift down my heart. Do you love me? I hope so. I love you still. Yet, I can no longer go back to the us of the day. You have broken a trust and evoked a nature of love that pierces me deep. You are causing me eros, the bittersweet.

Sincerewishes

 

When I was your woman

Before I delve any further into this topic, let me just point out that I have no intention of having a serious relationship or starting one at the moment. I have a hard time reconciling my past loves and my current love affairs. I never thought I would be the one to leave a relationship, especially cheat. I suppose it is an inevitable end for anyone who tries a long term relationship. I never thought about it too much, but what if I had stayed with him then. What if I didn’t take his feelings for granted. I wonder if we would still be together. Then again, if I didn’t I would’ve missed out on several of the opportunities  I had with Michael. I had an amazing summer filled with sex and love. But what if, I’m missing something more important now because of my decision to love someone else. Did I just lose the father to my children? The husband that I’ve always wanted? The man that would always love me?

Maybe I’m just having a hard time getting over him. I’m not sure. Everyday he seeks out a different girl, hoping to find a soul mate. Is that weird? Or am I weird because I’m still hoping he will wait for me. That’s unfair and selfish. Maybe it’s best that I stay away for awhile. Some part of me still belongs to him. If he ever reads this, then he’ll know that I do have feelings for him.

It occurs to me that I’ve forgotten some of my fundamental values about love. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up. I should’ve preserved till the end. I should’ve stuck with him despite the temptations. Alas, nothing can be done except let him go.

Sincerewishes

College Life (A Freshman Summary)

It’s been a few months since the last post. I want to feel like I’ve been writing more lately, but I haven’t. The truth of the matter is that I am undergoing a transition phase of my life. College. Let’s take a look at those glorified memories people have of college days. Ramen. Alcohol. Parties. Studying. New city. New dorms. New people. Freedom. Liberation. The basics only go on and on. But I don’t really have all that. I feel pretty isolated right now. I live at home with my parents which has it’s own pros and cons but while I live here I don’t go to the social events on campus or the exciting football games (that was always lose). I haven’t made many friends and I spend alot of  time by myself. None of this is helping my mood because my baby is at UTK. I feel really insecure and cast off. He’s having a good time and I’m over here feeling less like myself everyday. I wish I could speak my mind and ask my parents if I can stay on campus next semester, but I’ worried about the financial burdens that would cause. I am a social creature by nature so I will need to find a solution to this soon or I may end up hurting myself even more.

Ever so lonely,

Sincerewishes

I’m back

It’s been more than a few weeks since I’ve blogged. I suppose now would be a good time to reflect on senior year as a whole. It’s been a whole year since I started this blog and now I’m entering a new phase of my life. College awaits me in August, but before I get  into that let me talk about me now. Since breaking up with dream boy, I’ve significantly moved on. I admit for a while I was a sore loser and I couldn’t forget him. I ended up asking to take me back recently (two days ago). However, I think it may have been a impulsive decision on my part and I may have led dream boy to false hopes. The new man and I have grown very attached to each other. We were exclusive for a good few weeks and I’ve never had so much fun with a guy in my life. He’s the first steps of my taking my life into my own hands. At the same time, I’ve betrayed many people’s trust including my parents, sister, and friends. I’ve lied to where I am, which I deeply regret. I’ve chosen to break up with new man as we’ve grown further from each other and as we’ve gotten bored with each others company. I was really hurt that I didn’t put more to make the relationship work though I knew the reason we broke up so simple. I ended up confessing how I felt indirectly and we still talk. Now, technically, we’ve also gone on dates since then and I’ve made an effort to try and get along with him. I’m doubt this is because I have feelings for him. I think it has to do with the fact and he’s something I’ve grown used to and having him as a friend is also great. New man probably doesn’t see it that way though.Honestly, I’m going out with him today while dream boy texts me about getting back together. I’m not feeling particularly inclined towards either, but the joy of being out by myself pulls me to new man. Well, that’s a dose of my love life. I’m at work now, but I will post up emails I sent to a friend of mine.

Sincerewishes